You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
