i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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