booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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