just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
