You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's blow job season.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
