please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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