im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
