but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
