I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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