I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
