I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
