What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have feelings that need drinking.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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