Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
