Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
