I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
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My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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