We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
