My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
