i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
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My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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