I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
