woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
there is glitter all over my balls
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