JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
