If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
