There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
