literally had 100 drinks last night.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
