I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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