we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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