There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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