nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
