margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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