I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
