I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Randomize
