I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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