google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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