Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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