Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
