if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
