i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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