A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
