Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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