I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
