i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
