I'm so fucking centered right now
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
