two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
