Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
