My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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