hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
