one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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