Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
