she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
