is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
