I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
