New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
