It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
