i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
