I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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