Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
