The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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