i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
