he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
