I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
